Of late, I have found myself in a state which I hoped I would not find myself again during this lifetime. A state in which I have wallowed many times before. I am in a cast and in some ways greatly inconvenienced physically. I can’t express the gratitude I feel for those who actually are able to help:
– the members of my family who tried to provide a comfortable place for me to convalesce immediately after the fall
– my parents who have helped with advice and actual adaptations to my wheelchair where medical professionals could not offer any
– my wife who literally is lifting half of my body when I transfer from my wheelchair to any other place, and has generally contributed to my high spirits
– I have received offers of help with meals from a friend
But I am also grateful to friends and family all over (some literally on the other side of the planet) who cannot actually do anything about my situation. Some of whom barely know me. Their concern and care are more than enough.
When another friend of mine, upon reading that I’d fallen down a flight of stairs and maybe not knowing that I was actually in very good condition considering, did quite earnestly beseech me not to die when we both know damn well that there is no such thing as death, only evacuation of the body…well that was a moving reminder of what it is that we all have with each other in this vastly miniscule moment we call physical life. Even though we know there is more, we enjoy this time together, in this state, because it is unique. And I am grateful for all of the unique relationships I have formed with people.
At the same time, I had a moment this afternoon when I was otherwise exhausted, when I found myself filled with a mirth that one could say is simply a bi-product of the concern that I am receiving from others. The knowledge that other people care is a valuable thing. But I say my current state of mirth comes from within. I am as yet unshaken by the damage to my body, the physical inconvenience, the feeling of being a shut-in aside from going to my day job, the temporary necessity of cutting back my usual 12 hours a week at my second job, and the general temptation to wonder “Why me?”
That question has actually recently been posed to me: “Why did this happen to you?”
My answer: “How the hell should I know?”
I am unconcerned. “Why me” ties you to what already happened. I am not concerned. I am concerned with what IS. What IS is a great place to be. Despite the above laundry list of things that could drag anyone’s emotions through the mud.
I have learned to choose absence of suffering when painful and inconvenient circumstances present themselves. When you do this, happiness is not an option. It is a given.