Last year I realized that my life would run much more smoothly if I listened to the creative voice which spoke within me at all times. If I decided to create my destiny rather than let it happen to me. I therefore began to find adoration in my heart for the Lord as Saraswati, Wisdom and Creativity.
Then I discovered Swami Vidyadhishananda, whose monastic name has to do with Saraswati as divine wisdom (Vidya) and transformative force of Shiva (Adish). In the winter I reached out to Swami Vidyadhishananda, who gave me assurance that I would see a general uplift of fortunes in May and I did in fact see something totally unexpected which did in fact uplift my fortunes just as April turned to May.
So, with Swami Vidyadhishananda in mind and heart, because I know that he knows the Lord, I turned my attention to transforming myself through Divine Wisdom.
I had constantly prayed to be transformed beyond iniquity into a being of empathy. Though this transformation will be a life-long process I felt the presence of the Lord this week when I saw a story about a girl in my area who killed herself after being bullied by her peers. This was followed by the story of former NFLer Junior Seau’s suicide. I had no connection to the girl in question or to Junior Seau or to any of the teams he played for. I am generally not an emotional person beyond my relations with my own wife. But after seeing these two stories I burst into tears and I could not control it. I felt liked I was “drowning in the tears of the world” as George Harrison sang. I cried out to the Lord to change people’s hearts so they don’t hurt each other just to make themselves feel better about themselves. And I cried out to the Lord that people don’t destroy themselves all in the name of success on the athletic field. I cried out, questioning whether professional athletes who were destroying themselves all in the name of success on the field were really fulfilling their reason for being here in this current incarnation.
And yet I felt like I was in a place within myself where I was able to observe this sadness, this grief from another place. I often get that sense during meditation, the feeling that I am observing my thoughts rather than thinking them. But this was something new. I felt this was a breakthrough. A levee of emotion had broken, yet I did not feel like I was indulging in emotion. It just was.